Angry

I wouldn't say that I am a control freak but I do like to have a handle on most things. I keep my emotions in control most of the time. I don't like to let people see how I am feeling. I don't like to feel weak. I tend to even hide my emotions from my husband simply because he never shows me any either. This hit me very hard yesterday as I started thinking really thinking about how I am since my van was stolen. I know many people have had vehicles stolen and they move on. I think that if someone would have just hotwired the van or taken it some other way I would be ok. The problem I have is that the van was stolen with the use of my keys. Some one came into my office and took the keys. I felt stupid at first for leaving the keys out, but then I felt thankful because what if I hadn't. The emotion I keep feeling is anger. I am angry at who did this and that it happened. I am angry that my kids where here the day it happened. Most of all I am angry that my husband doesn't seem to understand how I am feeling. In our small group last night all this started to slowly come out. We are doing a marriage study and at the time we were going through things I didn't really want to be around my husband. Once we were in the car and not infront of our friends it all came pouring out. No I am not ok. I am scared and more parranoid now. I watch every car or movement that I see through the windows in the church office. I've moved my car so that I can see it better between the different rooms I am in. Nothing has been found.We haven't heard a thing about the car and that makes me mad too. Everyone keeps asking and there is just nothing to say. This is were my next problem is. As much as I like to control some things others I don't. All the paper work and stuff that needs to be done for our insurance hasn't been turned in yet. I didn't want to have to deal with it because that means thinking about what happened more and more. I wanted Justin to handle it but he just wasn't stepping up to it. I hated that I had to tell him I needed him to take care of it for me. To take care of me and just fix it all for me. Why doesn't he know that I need to be taken care of too. It just made me sad that after 7 years of marriage my husband can't see when I am hurting, but then again I don't feel like I can let him see. I guess this is just another lesson I have learned through all of this. It seems a strange lesson to learn, but it must have been one God has been wanting me to see. As great as it is to have a church family to lean on I need to also learn to lean on my own husband and not just expect him to know that I need him. Justin will jump through hoops for me if I only just let him know that is what I need.

Still no news

We still haven't heard anything about our van and I really don't expect to. We have to go out this week and get new car seats. We've been using ones that belong to my mom and I just want to get something of our own again. We have a really nice rental van that is going to really spoil me. Our insurance will cover it for pretty much a month. We've had several people in our church offer cars to us to borrow. It's one of the nice things about going to a church with about 200 people, everyone seems to know what happened and is offering to help. Of course it doesn't hurt that I am the new church secretary and they are all afraid that I will leave now. Which of course I won't because that would just be running from something that doesn't really bother me too much. God gives us so many different trials to go through and I guess this is our new one. Showing us how much we need to rely on Him and not ourselves. Allow ourselves to be taken care of by our church family. I am so thankful that we have a church family who wants to help. Abbie is still upset about losing her leap pad but I think she will eventually get over it. It's so interesting to see how she sees what happened. She really has so much insight for a 3 year old. I'm just not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I have developed an eye twitch recently. I don't know if it is the stress or what, but my left eye lid twitches quiet often now. Justin just thinks that I am going crazy. We don't see too much of each other lately. With our schedules we kind of pass each other in the afternoon. He's had to work 6 days a week recently so we haven't had to much time off together. This is just so new for us. We've always spent so much time together, but I guess it could be good for us.

I looked at Kaleb yesterday and wondered when my baby became a little boy. He won't be 2 till November, but he's just 3 inches shorter than Abbie. He wears 3t and 4t clothing and his shoe size is almost the same as Abbie's. He's been talking in sentences lately too. Every week he has new words that he says and he says everything so clearly. I think that he picks up a lot from Abbie because she never stops talking. Abbie really never stops. I swear she has insomnia. She just doesn't like to sleep. I think she only gets about 8 or so hours of sleep a night and she rarely takes a nap. She has quiet time in her room, but she doesn't sleep. I do quiet time for me I think more than for her. I have come to a place where I am ready to have another child, but Justin isn't at that place yet. I hope he gets there soon.

Security Lost

As I sit here this morning and think about the events that happened yesterday I just have such a hard time understanding. Yesterday afternoon while I was here at the church working my van was stolen from the parking lot. The events around it are what have me the most confussed, scared, lost. Yesterday I did a lot of things different than I normally do. I had the kids with me because I have to bring them with me on Tuesday. When I brought them in I took everything and put it in the nursery with them except for my keys. I left those sitting on top of my monitor. Already you know where this story is going. Around 12:30 I went to the nursery to start cleaning up and getting the kids ready to go home. While I was in there a lady from our church came in and I talked with her for a few minutes and then she left. Shortly after that I heard the front door open. I left the nursery and walked across the foyer to my office to see who it was. I had been expecting Dave, our pastor, to return soon. I realized it wasn't him so I looked out the window to see if I saw any new cars. I saw my van and Stan's, our asst. pastor, car in the lot. When I turned back around I realized right away that my keys were missing. I started looking for them thinking that maybe I picked them up and put them somewhere else. I had thought about at one time but didn't. I looked back out the window and my van was still there, but somewhere inside i knew that it was about to be stolen. I went back to the nursery to see if I did by some chance take my keys in there. A minute later I was back in my office looked out the window and my van was gone. The shock of it all just floored me. I walked back to Stan's office and told him, I think my van was just stolen. He looked at me and said, are you serious. That is pretty much the reaction that everyone has when I tell them my van was stolen from the church parking lot pretty much right in front of me. I don't care about my van or the things inside, I mean I want them back and I hate to have to replace it all, but it is just stuff. What angers me the most is that me kids where here. Some person just walked in from out of know where took my keys and left with my van. So many questions keep going through my head as to why and who. With my keys they also got a church key and a key to our house. We bought a new door knob and dead bolt last night. The locksmith is coming in a few minutes to change the locks here. I am a little afriad right now. I am here by myself, the door is locked but they do have a key. I just keep telling myself that in an odd way God protected us yesterday and he will protect me today. From now on I will not leave the church door unlocked. We are going to get a buzzer that people will have to ring to get in. I have always felt so safe in this church my whole life and some idiot had to come in and change all that. I hate feeling vulnerable. I just keep telling myself that this person must have really needed my van. That God is in control and everything will be ok.

Prayers

My sister Jessica lives in Sarasota Florida. She has yet to be truely badly effected by the previous hurricans and my not have any problems with Ivan, but I am worried for her. Not just with the hurricans, but in her life in general. Jessica is my baby sister and is pregnant with her hird child. She is such a smart and strong woman. She loves so much an dI know that she is hurting right now. Her husband, whom I love but don't like, is giving her a hard time for being tired and going to bed early at night. I just ask that you pray for protection and strength for my sister. I want to be there and protect her and make everything right for her, but I can't.

Day Three

Today is day three of my new job and I have to say that it is pretty much the easiest job I have ever had. No one is ever here and there isn't much for me to do. I do have to work on reorganizing our programs but other than that things are good. I had to bring the kids with me yesterday and amazingly that did well. Except when Kaleb decieded to empty an entire container of baby powder in the nursery. That was fun to clean up. It feels so weird to be sitting here in the church that I grew up in as an employee. I'm happy though and things feel good. Better get back to all this work I have to do. Ha! Ha!