Insurance

In the last few months Justin and I have really gotten to know our car insurance agent. With the van being stolen and claiming the things inside of it and now I rearended someone on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I was driving Justin's car and it was raining and you know how that goes. His tires suck and I just slide into the car infront of me. Luckily the lady I hit was very friendly we didn't even involve the police. We also found out that we have the same insurance agent. We are very lucky that our insurance hasn't decided they've had enough of us. We actually got a call on Friday that they found our van about 3 miles from where it was stolen. It was in a gas station parking lot, but it hadn't been there the whole time. It's not ours anymore though. We had to sign it over to State Farm before they would pay it off. We are looking now at what things were inside and if we can get any of that back. Life is so strange sometimes.

Please pray for Justin. He is on probation at work. He could actually loose his job as soon as Dec. 20. I am really not worried about the job stuff. I know that God will take care of us and everything will be fine. I just worry about Justin. He is so discouraged right now. He's been trying so hard for a company that he feels just doesn't want to see him do well. I just want him to find something that he wants to do and may allow a little more time for us as a family.

I am still loving my job. I work with 3 great men who don't always get me what they need to on time, but appreciate and tell me so all the time. Abbie and Kaleb are doing great. Kaleb is a very sneaky 2 year old who will get into everything he shouldn't the moment my head is turned. Abbie has a few imaginary friends that she plays with everyday. She also has a split personallity named Donna. When she's Donna she refers to Justin and I as Jennifer and Justin not mom and dad. Abbie is excited about me having another baby. She can't decide if she wants another brother or a sister. She wants a sister that she can share her clothes with. She's deffinately a girl. I think Kaleb would like a brother so he could have a good wrestling buddy that doesn't cry all the time.

What's been happening

Not too much has happened since the last time I blogged. Work has been busy. We are in the middle of a building campaign to build a new sanctuary. The one we currently have hold a little more than 200 people and we are growing out of it. We are only going to build one that will hold 450. The building is over 30 years old. They are going to make the old sanctuary into classrooms eventually. Nothing is going to happen still for a couple of years. We are still in the begining stages. I have also grown to really love some of the older people that come here.

After fighting with our insurance company we were able to get them to pay off our car loan plus some. We now have a 2000 Mazda MPV which I love. It is a much better van than what we had. So in the end I guess it wasn't so bad having my van stolen. Although I will forever be much more careful.

Justin and I have also learned that we will be having a third child. I am only 6 weeks pregnant and still haven't told my boss yet, but we are excited. We are looking at a July 6 due date. Of cource with having a planned c-section that could be earlier. We are very happy though. This will be the first time my family will get to expierence me through an entire pregnancy. My sister Jessica is having her third child in March. Which Kaleb and her son Paxton are 2 months apart and these two will be 3 or 4 months apart.

God has been so good to us. I've stopped focusing so much on the problems and I have just been enjoying the good things. Justin feels like he has finally found the reason why he is at Donatos. He has really been trying to be more of a witness to his crew without getting himself in troble. There is one girl there that he feels he really needs to just talk with her. She's 18 and has a little girl who's almost 1. She's really trying to find herself and she's not hanging out with the greatest of people. Mainly most of Justin's staff. Their from Kentucky what can I say.

Kaleb has his 2 year check up today. I am interested to see where he is on the charts. Not that I care so much it's just that Kaleb is much bigger than most 2 year olds. We brought him down to the 2's and 3's class on Sunday and he's bigger than some of the 3 year olds. He is deffinately looking at playing football, especially if his daddy has anything to say about it. Abbie has definately proven she is a girl. She is a true drama queen, but you love her anyway. She has a way of just saying things so matter of factly. We are thinking about putting her in preschool starting in January. Just 2 days a week. She really wants to learn as much as she can and I just don't feel like I can teach her. I don't have the patience for it. Justin works with her some now, but she wants more. I don't want to stop her from learning.

San Antonio

I spent the weekend, well just about 48 hours in San Antonio visiting my cousin and his family. I have never been to see them before and I thought that it was about time. They just had a new baby about 8 weeks ago so it worked out great to get to see the baby and spend time with their 5 year old daughter Maddie. I've only see my cousin once in the last 12 years and that was for about 3 hours a 1 1/2 years ago. Most of my memories of him are as a punkass teenager. It was amazing to see him as a husband and father and to see how much he loves his family. I email his wife Katherine all the time. We have been keeping in touch for about 3 years now. She and I are very much a like and we just get a long very well. I enjoyed getting to go and visit on my own and getting a break from my kids and husband just for a short time. Airport security didn't bother me either. I'll have to remember to where slip on shoes the next time, but if taking my shoes off before going through security helps then by all means I will do it. Everything seemed to go very smoothly I have to say. I flew on three different airlines and three very different planes. All in all I have to say that I had a great weekend. Now back to work.

Angry

I wouldn't say that I am a control freak but I do like to have a handle on most things. I keep my emotions in control most of the time. I don't like to let people see how I am feeling. I don't like to feel weak. I tend to even hide my emotions from my husband simply because he never shows me any either. This hit me very hard yesterday as I started thinking really thinking about how I am since my van was stolen. I know many people have had vehicles stolen and they move on. I think that if someone would have just hotwired the van or taken it some other way I would be ok. The problem I have is that the van was stolen with the use of my keys. Some one came into my office and took the keys. I felt stupid at first for leaving the keys out, but then I felt thankful because what if I hadn't. The emotion I keep feeling is anger. I am angry at who did this and that it happened. I am angry that my kids where here the day it happened. Most of all I am angry that my husband doesn't seem to understand how I am feeling. In our small group last night all this started to slowly come out. We are doing a marriage study and at the time we were going through things I didn't really want to be around my husband. Once we were in the car and not infront of our friends it all came pouring out. No I am not ok. I am scared and more parranoid now. I watch every car or movement that I see through the windows in the church office. I've moved my car so that I can see it better between the different rooms I am in. Nothing has been found.We haven't heard a thing about the car and that makes me mad too. Everyone keeps asking and there is just nothing to say. This is were my next problem is. As much as I like to control some things others I don't. All the paper work and stuff that needs to be done for our insurance hasn't been turned in yet. I didn't want to have to deal with it because that means thinking about what happened more and more. I wanted Justin to handle it but he just wasn't stepping up to it. I hated that I had to tell him I needed him to take care of it for me. To take care of me and just fix it all for me. Why doesn't he know that I need to be taken care of too. It just made me sad that after 7 years of marriage my husband can't see when I am hurting, but then again I don't feel like I can let him see. I guess this is just another lesson I have learned through all of this. It seems a strange lesson to learn, but it must have been one God has been wanting me to see. As great as it is to have a church family to lean on I need to also learn to lean on my own husband and not just expect him to know that I need him. Justin will jump through hoops for me if I only just let him know that is what I need.

Still no news

We still haven't heard anything about our van and I really don't expect to. We have to go out this week and get new car seats. We've been using ones that belong to my mom and I just want to get something of our own again. We have a really nice rental van that is going to really spoil me. Our insurance will cover it for pretty much a month. We've had several people in our church offer cars to us to borrow. It's one of the nice things about going to a church with about 200 people, everyone seems to know what happened and is offering to help. Of course it doesn't hurt that I am the new church secretary and they are all afraid that I will leave now. Which of course I won't because that would just be running from something that doesn't really bother me too much. God gives us so many different trials to go through and I guess this is our new one. Showing us how much we need to rely on Him and not ourselves. Allow ourselves to be taken care of by our church family. I am so thankful that we have a church family who wants to help. Abbie is still upset about losing her leap pad but I think she will eventually get over it. It's so interesting to see how she sees what happened. She really has so much insight for a 3 year old. I'm just not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I have developed an eye twitch recently. I don't know if it is the stress or what, but my left eye lid twitches quiet often now. Justin just thinks that I am going crazy. We don't see too much of each other lately. With our schedules we kind of pass each other in the afternoon. He's had to work 6 days a week recently so we haven't had to much time off together. This is just so new for us. We've always spent so much time together, but I guess it could be good for us.

I looked at Kaleb yesterday and wondered when my baby became a little boy. He won't be 2 till November, but he's just 3 inches shorter than Abbie. He wears 3t and 4t clothing and his shoe size is almost the same as Abbie's. He's been talking in sentences lately too. Every week he has new words that he says and he says everything so clearly. I think that he picks up a lot from Abbie because she never stops talking. Abbie really never stops. I swear she has insomnia. She just doesn't like to sleep. I think she only gets about 8 or so hours of sleep a night and she rarely takes a nap. She has quiet time in her room, but she doesn't sleep. I do quiet time for me I think more than for her. I have come to a place where I am ready to have another child, but Justin isn't at that place yet. I hope he gets there soon.

Security Lost

As I sit here this morning and think about the events that happened yesterday I just have such a hard time understanding. Yesterday afternoon while I was here at the church working my van was stolen from the parking lot. The events around it are what have me the most confussed, scared, lost. Yesterday I did a lot of things different than I normally do. I had the kids with me because I have to bring them with me on Tuesday. When I brought them in I took everything and put it in the nursery with them except for my keys. I left those sitting on top of my monitor. Already you know where this story is going. Around 12:30 I went to the nursery to start cleaning up and getting the kids ready to go home. While I was in there a lady from our church came in and I talked with her for a few minutes and then she left. Shortly after that I heard the front door open. I left the nursery and walked across the foyer to my office to see who it was. I had been expecting Dave, our pastor, to return soon. I realized it wasn't him so I looked out the window to see if I saw any new cars. I saw my van and Stan's, our asst. pastor, car in the lot. When I turned back around I realized right away that my keys were missing. I started looking for them thinking that maybe I picked them up and put them somewhere else. I had thought about at one time but didn't. I looked back out the window and my van was still there, but somewhere inside i knew that it was about to be stolen. I went back to the nursery to see if I did by some chance take my keys in there. A minute later I was back in my office looked out the window and my van was gone. The shock of it all just floored me. I walked back to Stan's office and told him, I think my van was just stolen. He looked at me and said, are you serious. That is pretty much the reaction that everyone has when I tell them my van was stolen from the church parking lot pretty much right in front of me. I don't care about my van or the things inside, I mean I want them back and I hate to have to replace it all, but it is just stuff. What angers me the most is that me kids where here. Some person just walked in from out of know where took my keys and left with my van. So many questions keep going through my head as to why and who. With my keys they also got a church key and a key to our house. We bought a new door knob and dead bolt last night. The locksmith is coming in a few minutes to change the locks here. I am a little afriad right now. I am here by myself, the door is locked but they do have a key. I just keep telling myself that in an odd way God protected us yesterday and he will protect me today. From now on I will not leave the church door unlocked. We are going to get a buzzer that people will have to ring to get in. I have always felt so safe in this church my whole life and some idiot had to come in and change all that. I hate feeling vulnerable. I just keep telling myself that this person must have really needed my van. That God is in control and everything will be ok.

Prayers

My sister Jessica lives in Sarasota Florida. She has yet to be truely badly effected by the previous hurricans and my not have any problems with Ivan, but I am worried for her. Not just with the hurricans, but in her life in general. Jessica is my baby sister and is pregnant with her hird child. She is such a smart and strong woman. She loves so much an dI know that she is hurting right now. Her husband, whom I love but don't like, is giving her a hard time for being tired and going to bed early at night. I just ask that you pray for protection and strength for my sister. I want to be there and protect her and make everything right for her, but I can't.

Day Three

Today is day three of my new job and I have to say that it is pretty much the easiest job I have ever had. No one is ever here and there isn't much for me to do. I do have to work on reorganizing our programs but other than that things are good. I had to bring the kids with me yesterday and amazingly that did well. Except when Kaleb decieded to empty an entire container of baby powder in the nursery. That was fun to clean up. It feels so weird to be sitting here in the church that I grew up in as an employee. I'm happy though and things feel good. Better get back to all this work I have to do. Ha! Ha!

I have a Job

As I sit here at the computer in the office of my church and look around I think what am I doing. Today is my first day as our church's new office manager. Yes I many things that I should be doing at the moment but I thought that I would take the time to ask my friends to pray for my family and I. We are making a major change to our lives starting today. I don't think that it will feel too major, but when ever there is change you just don't know. I have great hours here. I work from 9-1 Monday - Friday. Justin's worked his schedule to watch the kids everyday except on Tuesdays. He has to work days on Tuesdays so then I will bring the kids here for 4 hours. It's a very strange excitement that I have. I have no fear of the job itself. My biggest fear is the phone, but I am an adult and I will have to overcome that fear. As in any new job Dave, the Pastor here, will not be in till this afternoon. So I will be here on my own all morning. My first job is to clean this office. Let me tell you that is not an easy job to do. I am so excited and happy and a little scared by all this, but I know that God had his hand in this the whole time. Life just seems to have finally settled itself. Well I guess I better get back to my first day at work. Wow that just sounds so weird.

Our church is part of a denomenation know as the Christian and Missionary Alliance. The focus of all the churches is on building people to go into the mission field. Wether that be outside of the USA or here. One of the things that they do for teens is called Life. It's held every few years and it brings all the teens together from all the churches. This year our church sent 6 teens to Phoenix, AZ for 5 days. There was a total of 7000 teenagers who went. They had sessions and big groups things that make me long for those good old Apex retreats. This past Sunday the teens that went and our Youth Pastor lead the message part of our service. They told us of the things they learned and what they liked most. I learned that someone I have know since he was 5 should really look into being a youth pastor or a preacher. He had a way about him on the stage that showed how comfortable he was and I would never have thought it. our youth pastor Stan is part of our small group. Stan is 28 and his wife Nicole is 27. Stan was telling us of the things he took away from the trip but also of how satan can use so many things to take us down from our high and make us doubt it all. on the last day of the trip Stan was having what you would call a shitty day. He woke up to find that he had pink eye. He ran into a post, while trying to hand someone money they dropped, and put a pretty good cut in his leg. After dealing with several little things going wrong he got a call from his wife. Nicole called to tell him that her and there two kids Zachary (2) and Trinity (8 months) were in a car accident. It had been raining here and her ford focus hydroplaned and then flipped on the highway. By the grace of God they all walked away with not even a scratch. If you looked at the outside of their car you would have thought for sure they would have all been hurt very badly. The inside of the car though looked almost completely untouched. What amazed me about this story as Stan was telling us was how Stan knew that God was taking care of them all. I knew that Nicole was fine and all, but I did not know how Stan found out and how his day had been when he found out. I don't know where I am going with this. I just wish you could know Stan and see the passion that he has. Stan has a lazy tougne and when he speaks and he's excited about something you have a hard time understanding him, but he makes you want to listen. The love he has for the teens is such a great thing. I feel blessed to have him as a friend in my life.

On another note, I've been praying that my best friend Angie's husband would come to church. Angie and I have been friends since we were little girls and her husband is actually an ex boyfirend of mine. I have been praying for them and for Jeff for some time now. I prayed during the service on sunday, and then I turned and looked around after the service and who did I see but Jeff. I talked briefly with them after the service but we had to leave because Justin had to go to work. When I talked with Angie on Tuesday I found out she didn't know that Jeff was going to come to church on Sunday either. She has been praying for sometime for him to come too. It was just a weird and wonderful thing to see and hear. I just keep praying that he'll keep coming.

houses suck!!

Our house is a little over one year old and it has had more problems than I want to deal with. The wall in our family room has a crack. Only about 4 feet of the wall is below ground. Well the last few times it's rained the carpet in the corner was wet. But we were never able to find where the water was coming from. About a week ago the builders came out and cut 4 nice large holes in our dry wall and pulled out the insulation and still found nothing really. The guy saw a crack but we weren't sure that was were all the water was coming from. Well lucky for us we have had a very rainy summer and on Friday night we were able to see that yes the little tiny hairline crack can let a heck of a lot of water in to our house. So today I am waiting for the guys to come and figure out how they are going to reseal and fix this problem permenately so that I can have the pad replace and the carpet fixed. The worst thing about all this is that I am severly allergic to mold and mildew. To come downstairs for any length of time lately has been hard. I get he worst headaches in the world. This means that I can't get on the computer that much either. Which drives me crazy because I can't keep up on things.

This brings me to my confession time. I haven't been a very good mother lately. In fact I just plain suck. I have been completely ignoring my children for about the last 3 months. All I do all day is read. I have been reading about a book a day for a while now. I can't help myself. I just finished a book that I started yesterday afternoon and I am trying with all my might to not go pick up another of the 10 I got at the liberay yesterday and start again. I've been hiding in my own little world lately and I haven't really cared. I have been so wrapped up in myself and how I feel that I haven't thought about my kids and how they are doing. Which they are both really great kids and are doing fine. They love to play together which is great for me. I forget sometimes how old Kaleb is now and all the things that he can do. Abbie is just too much like me when I was her age and I think that scares me. I don't want her to go through all the things that I had too to understand who she is and what type of person she will be. She's too smart for her own good most of the time.

Well that is it for confession time. I'm going to go back to waiting for the guys to come and fix the wall.

A Job??

Well there is a possibility that I could get a job at our church.  Our church has decided to set specific hours for the church secretary.  The lady who does the job now comes when she please and stays for however long she likes.  They want someone to come and work from 9-1 Monday through Friday.  My dad is on the board but doesn't want to put my name in because he doesn't want to show favoritism.  The thing is I could do the job easily.  It's all pretty much what I did when I worked at Canyon Ridge only on a much smaller scale.  Like instead of making 2000 programs for a weekend I need to only make 150.  I have talked to our pastor before and he knows I would love to work for him and he's told me before that he would love to have me work for him.  It's weird that I am praying for Tara to quit the job so that I can have it.  She doesn't even attend our church and there fore doesn't care what kind of job she does.  I really want this job and the hours work great with Justin's hours.  I can bring the kids with me on days that I need to which may only be 1 or 2 days a week and they can play in the nursery which is across the hall from the office.  It would be an ideal job.  We could really use the money right now too.  It might just be the thing I need to get me out of this funk. 

I have been sitting here reading some of the blogs that I read on a regular basis, but haven't been lately. I have a headache from a few of them. Everyone is just too damn deep lately, me included. Life is too short for some and I am tired of moping. I've been walking around feeling sad lately for God knows why and I just make myself angery. I have no reason to be sad or depressed. I have a Father that loves me know matter what, a husband and my kids, and my family, and wonderful friends all over the United States. God has given me so much so why is it that I am sitting here crying. I don't feel happy but I know I should be happy. I am lucky to not have had anything terrible ever happen to me in my lifetime. God has always been there and watched after me and loved me when I have been away. At this moment I am at my sisters home in Sarasota Florida. We visited the beach the other day and it was beautiful. God was such an artisit when he created all of this. Well I am going to go because I feel like I am rambling. I miss my husband too.

stuff

Abbie is sick for the first time in a long time, but she doesn't act like she at all. She has strep throat but you would never know. I wish she would be like every other sick kid and just want to lay around and rest. Luckily Kaleb hasn't gotten sick yet. Apparently several kids from vacation Bible school have gotten sick. I guess we were spreading more than the story of Jesus last week.

I got a speeding ticket yesterday and it just made me so mad. I was driving out of our neiborhood and the speed limit is 25 and I was watching for kids and I know that the Amelia police love to watch our streets. Of course I just didn't think about how fast I was going. The cop pulled me over after sitting behind me at the light at the top of our development. I was so mad. He clocked me doing 37 in a 25 and gave me an $80 ticket. It is just so stupid and I keep beating myself up about it.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I think in the last 2 months I have read about 20 books. I love reading it just takes me to another place. I keep thinking about maybe trying to write some myself. It's always been something I thought about, but I never really took the idea seriously. I don't know. It could just be another thought that I do nothing about.

My other problem is I have been a little depressed lately. I'm not really sure as to why. I keep telling myself how lucky I am and all that I have. Not just my family and stuff, but the love of God and all that that gives me, but my heart just keeps aching and I feel like I am on the verge of crying and just can't.

On a much happier thought, Our Vacation bible school had a total of 122 kids come and 16 of them accepted Christ. It was a wonderful thing to see and we want to make sure we do follow ups with all the kids that made a commitment. Also we do a penny challenge every year between the boys and the girls. They brought pennies in to raise money to buy Bibles through Bibles for the World to send to Ecuador, India, and Wales. Their goal was to buy 250 Bibles at $4.00 a piece. The kids raised over $1,700 last week. $1,000 went to the Bibles and the extra was given to the India Children's Choir who came and sang at our church on Sunday evening. The kids are like 3 or 4 generations removed from head hunters. They are on tour here this year and always need money for gas and clothes and things. I think it was so great that our kids got to be a part of that.

See so what do I have to be depressed about.

Fun!!

The last two days have been very busy. We are having Vacation Bible School at our church right now and I have been helping out. I have been doing registration, taking pictures, running power point and a bunch of other things. It has been a lot of fun really. Our goal this year was to get 100 kids to come. We have about 30-35 kids in our church so we had to get a lot from outside. My friend Joyce is the director and she kept praying about it, but didn't know if we would really get our goal. Well after much confusion on Monday during registration we found out that we had 102 kids, and then yesterday we had 112. The best thing of all though is to watch them sing to the music, screaming I think is a better term. They are having a blast and learning a lot. We have even had a number of teenagers who don't normally come to our church come and help. Which is great because they are hearing everything too. Overall I have to say that the first two days have been great. I'll have to get back with you about the rest of this week.

VBS

Vacation Bible School. Our church is having Vacation Bible School next week and I am already tired from getting things ready. I am incharge of all the registration stuff and computer stuff. I like that because I didn't want to have to teach or decorate. There is just so much to do and I don't know when I am going to get it all done. Hopefully by Friday afternoon I will be ready for Monday. Abbie is going to have a class for her age with all kinds of fun things. Kaleb is even going to have a story time and things to do in the nursery. I will be taking pictures and making a power point presentaion for the Friday night celebration. I am really excited for all of it, but I am also looking forward to it being done. Well Abbie just came down stairs and is ready to play.

weddings

I went to a wedding on Saturday night for a guy that I have known my whole life. He is a family friend that attends our church. It was the sweetest wedding. Aby his wife is from Mexico and they met there 2 years ago. Kevin can speak fluent spanish and is going to be teaching spanish next school year. It was fun to watch as Kevin translated the pastors message into spanish for Aby's family. She is the oldest of 5 girls and the first one to get married. I love Aby too. We have hung out together at a couple of girls nights and she is so much fun to be around. She speaks english pretty well and loves to have fun.

The weather here has suddenly gone from sunny and humid to humid and stormy. I love Ohio weather.

Justin and I watched Along came Polly last night and it was one of the few Ben Stiler movies that I actually liked.

Life in Ohio

Well not much has been going on here since we returned from our trip to Las Vegas. Justin has had 2 days off since we've been back so needless to say I have been very busy with the kids. Justin has been looking into other jobs and has even gone on a few interviews. I just keep praying for him. I thought that he was happy but now I don't know. It makes it all very hard for me to understand. I keep telling him that no matter what he decides I will support him totally.

I have to say that I really had a lot of fun seeing everyone in Vegas while we were there. I am sorry that we missed some of you. It was a crazy time. I wish that we could have flew and had more time. As a new rule Justin's or any manager for Donato's in no longer allowed to take longer than 7 days off at a time. I don't understand why but oh well. I am so glad for the time we had with the Caldwell's, Sabrina, the Carder's, the Boyd's, the Parks', the Lentz's and everyone else. I still miss you all very much but life goes on. Abbie keeps asking me when we are going back. She'll ask me if we can go to Eliza's house or to see Eli and Aidan. I keep telling her that they live to far away, but she just doesn't understand that.

Our small group is going very well. We started to go alone with the Purpose Driven Life and we are going to continue on our own. It's been so nice getting to really becomes friends with a few of the couples in our church.

It's made me a little sad lately to read some of the blogs about Apex and Canyon Ridge. I have been trying to think about if and how I wanted to put my two cents in. Having been apart of both church's (going to Apex and working for Canyon Ridge) I feel sad about how some people observe things. No church is perfect. No church should claim to be perfect. How you worship God should not matter as long as you are doing it for him and not yourself. I have felt from some blogs that a few people not all from Apex seem to make it out that if you aren't doing church their way then you are all wrong. Just because one church has a band and sings their worship doesn't mean that they don't love God also and aren't teaching about that. I love Apex but when we were back we didn't go because I felt like it's not the place I remember and I preferred to remember it the way I did. I'm not saying that Apex is wrong either. I don't want anyone to think that. I am saying that we all have ways that we worship and show our love to God. Some of us do it better the way Apex is and some other ways. Our church here still sings older songs and some new. We have a piano, organ and keyboard. We don't have a worship team our pastor just leads us. Something that I have learned though is that the whole service is a worship time that we should be giving to God. Worship isn't for us it's they way we should love to our Father. I don't really know where I am going with all this, but I just had to say that. I really hurt for Alica Staples the other day when she blogged about her feelings of the changes that Apex is going through and how she is going with her family to CRCC. The anonymous comment back to her made it sound as if she was not a good Christian for preferring the entertainment church. Just because a church has music doesn't make it wrong. I feel like that person was making it out that Apex is the right way and all others are wrong. If that is true then every church must be doing it all wrong. I must also say that I don't believe that this is the feeling of everyone at Apex. I believe that this is the feeling of a few and I pray that you will open your eyes and your heart and see what God sees. The comment to Alica was not made in love and should not have been made at all. The comment would make me not want to attend Apex again. Ok I think that I have gone on my tangent for too long and that I am not really getting my point across. I love everyone that was a part of both church's in Vegas. I am no longer there so really it doesn't matter what I think. What makes me sad is we should be working together as Christians who love God and love others and not be picking on things at each others churches. Canyon Ridge is not perfect and if you asked anyone of the pastors there they would tell you the same thing. I think most everyone would be turned off by the church that I go to, but I feel that I can worship God and show him love in each service that I attend. I am excited about our small groups and the growing and changes our church is making. If we are to ever bring more people to the Father and show his love then we need to stop picking on each other and show his love to each other also. Christians turn people off of God so easily by the way we treat each other. We can all be such hypocrites at times that it makes me wonder why anyone would want to become a Christian. If you have read this far then thank you. I hope that I didn't hurt anyone's feelings because that was not my intent. I guess that I to was hurt by some things and I just needed to get my thoughts out.

I haven't felt much like blogging lately. I really don't know why. I haven't felt like I had too much to say. I have also been trying to keep myself busier and away from the computer. Abbie has also started playing games on the computer and takes a lot of my computer time away.

We are going through the Purpose Driven Life book at our church right now and have started small groups to go along with it. We are hosting one at our house on Tuesday nights. It amazed me last Tuesday how much I have missed the close interaction with out adults. I was amazed also by how comfortable I felt. I wasn't afraid to talk and to voice my opinion. I am excited about tomorrow night and how things will go. There are only 6 of us, but I like it that way. It' s 3 couples and we all have 2 children. They are all somewhat close in age so it works out well. It's been exciting to see some changes in our church.

I am looking forward to our vacation here soon also. We will be in Vegas from May 12-17. I am just so happy to be getting the chance to see everyone again. I would also like to get to spend sometime by someone's pool. I would love to get a little bit of sun. I also can't wait to be in the warmer weather. It's supposed to be 52 degrees for the high tomorrow. Hello!! It's almost May.

Mother-in-laws

I thought that it was the husband who was supposed to hate his mother-in-law not the wife. I don't hate Justin's mom, but I don't know how much she cares for me. She handles me at an arms length and just bugs me to death. Sometimes I feel as if she thinks that I am the antichrist trying to take her son away. I would think that after 6 1/2 years of marriage she would be over losing Justin to me. She just has this habit of making me feel like I am dirt. That I never let her spend time with the kids and that I am the only one able to make decisions around our house. She still thinks that I made Justin move to Las Vegas. What she doesn't realize, even though I have mentioned it, is that it was more me wanting to move back to Cincinnati than Justin. There really is no pleasing her. It just hurts me sometimes the way she is. I get so jealous of my sister because she gets along great with her mother-in-law, and so does my best friend. She considers her MIL to be one of her close friends. I never thought that I was a hard person to get a long with. She could make an effort on occasion to see her grandchildren. Why should we have to call and see if they want to get together, why can't she just stop by. Basically it's because she thinks that I don't want her to do that even though I have told them that they can come by at anytime to see the kids. She just really got under my skin today and it has just really hurt my feelings and I know I should talk to her about it, but I don't know if I can without her thinking even less of me. I know that I will end up saying something that is sarcastic, because we all know that is how I am, and then she will just think I hate her even more. Why does it have to be so hard.

Lately I haven't felt much like blogging. I really don't know why, but I just have been having a hard time thinking through what I would like to say. Anyway, there is so much going on for us this week. My sister Stephanie is getting married on Saturday and Abbie and I are in the Wedding. There are still several things that I need to do to help my sister not get too stressed out which in turn will get me very stressed out. My mom is stressing I'm stressing but we don't want Stephanie to know any of this. I know the day will be great and all will go well and I just can't wait till it's over.

Abbie and I went to the library yesterday. I love that she loves to read so much. I think that if she could really read she would love it even more.

It is storming outside right now. The thunder sounds like a big truck driving down the street and then it crashes. I hope it doesn't bother the kids too much. They are napping now and I would like them to stay that way for a while.

We are still planning on driving to Vegas in May. I need to get in touch with some people about a place for 4 people to stay for about 4 or 5 nights. I can't wait to see everyone. I can't believe how long it has been. I hope that everyone will be as excited to see us or maybe just a little happy. See ya all soon!!

identity crisis

I have been having an identity crisis lately and I can't decide what template to use for my blog. I want to create one on my own but I don't know how. I try to mess with the ones that we can choose from but it just doesn't work. I found one that I liked but it wouldn't show my title. Oh well, I think that I have settled on this for a while.

We finally bought a second car. It's a little Hyundia Elantra Wagon. It's a 98 with 60,000 miles and it's marron. It is perfect for Justin to drive to work and it could fit us if we needed it too. We got a good deal on it and I am just so happy to finally have two cars. It's great to know that I can go out if I would like to with the kids when Justin isn't here.

I have a headache I think that I am going to go to bed.

sickness

Well I think that it has finally run its course through our family. First Kaleb started throwing up, then Abbie and then me. Justin has luckily not gotten sick. He started at the Erlanger store today. Justin got a good raise and we have been doing some car shopping. We are finally going to be a two car family. We have all stopped throwing up, but I still feel a little weak. Keep us in your prayers.

Can't sleep

I can't sleep my mind is going with too many thoughts of what is to come. Justin has decided to take the General Manager position with Donato's. We talked about it and feel that the timing is right. I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment. There are so many things going on in the next several weeks. I have a bridal shower for my sister and two baby showers to go to. My sister is getting married on April 3 and I still have to try on my bridesmaid dress. I need to buy shoes to go with it still too. I just have too many things floating around in my head. I am hoping that this job will bring the stability that I have been praying for. I want to settle and feel that my husband is happy. I want to love where we live and who we live with. I want to know that we are following God and doing his will. I want to see the last page of the book. To know that in the end all is well and we are all happy. That is all I want to be happy. To know that we've made the right choices and followed the right directions. That we've gone through the right doors and are where we are supposed to be. I used to try and plan out what our future could be like. I know that I can't do that now. Now I just try to plan life one day at a time. Go where I feel God is leading me. I think for a while there I was doubting that God was going to lead me anywhere so I was feeling like I was floating. In spending time with God more lately I have seen his love and patience with me. I have been questioning so many things lately. I haven't been taking care of myself either. I have let go and not loved myself. As I was laying awake at 5am this morning I realized that I haven't been listening for God. I was just expecting him to do whatever. When I finally took the time to sit and listen it was like all the things that I have been complaining about lately were answered and my mind and heart where open again. I know that this can't be making too much sense. I am just rambling on part of only getting 5 hours of sleep. I am thankful that God still loves me even when I doubt. I am thankful that I have wonderful friends that even far away show their love for me. I am thankful that life isn't as bad as I make it out to be at times.

Answer to Prayer?

Justin called me from work this evening to ask me how I felt about him becoming the General Manager of the Donato's in Erlanger, KY. It's actually a little closer to us, because it is all highway to get there. This is coming after Justin put his resume in at the big Vineyard church in Tri-county. They are looking for a facilities director to do pretty much what he was doing at Canyon Ridge. We haven't heard from The Vineyard yet, and Justin's district supervisor wants to know his answer by tomorrow. I have really been praying that God would just open up the right doors and guide Justin in the right direction. Bob, Justin's district supervisor, knows that Justin sent his resume to The Vineyard. I think that this is why he is wanting to give him his own store. I really think that in the long run Justin would be happier in the restaurant business simply because it is something he can go farther in. He can still climb the ladder and move onto better jobs. I guess you could say that I believe that this is an answer to my prayer. I want Justin to be happy and I really think that he can be in his own store. He would also be working with his old hourly manager that they moved over to Erlanger. He is very excited about that. I just keep thinking about it and I really feel that he should take this job. Please keep Justin and us in your prayers as we make this big decision.

Sunny Day

It's a beautiful sunny day outside today, but it is still too cold to go outside to play. I have so much I should be doing, but I just don't want to. I think that I am going to go and read a book.

being a parent

I used to dream of how things would be when I became a parent. It's funny when things happen they way I thought they would. When Abbie calls me back for just one more kiss and a hug before she goes to bed. When Kaleb's eyes light up as soon as he sees me and he raises his hands up for me to pick him up. I love it when Abbie just looks at me and says, "Mom I just love you." Then there are the strange things that you get excited about. Like after 4 months of potty training Abbie finally pooped on the potty. Who knew that your child pooping on the potty for the first time would be so exciting. There are so many things about being a parent I never thought would be so exciting.

I have been trying to fight off a sinus cold the last couple of days and I just can't get rid of it. I made the mistake of taking medicine that is non drowsy before going to be last night and I ended up only being able to sleep for about 3 hours and the sleep didn't happen until 3:30 in the morning. Hopefully I'll feel better soon.

friends

I am so bad at making and keeping friends. I keep trying to build relationships here, but I am just no good at it. I am afraid of phones so that doesn't help. I hate talking to people on the phone. There are only certain people that I call on the phone. My mom is one of them and my best friend Angie that I grew up with. I even have a hard time calling my sister who lives in Florida. I want so much to build new friendships and grow closer to people but I am almost afraid to. Something stops me from really trying to make a friendship work. I did go out with a friend of mine last night. I keep in touch with her through email and that helps. We had a lot of fun just hanging out and talking. She's getting ready to have her first child in April so we shared a lot about babies and things like that. I want to be a better friend to her, but I just don't know how. I think a lot of it has to do with my fear of rejection. I have always been the quiet girl and the fat girl and I just do my best to not be noticed. I don't like to do things that bring attention to me. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I try so very hard, but when I am alone it is very hard to be good about what I eat. I really don't know why I am blogging about all of this. I guess I just needed to get it out. I really need to do something good for myself. I need to start a daily bible study and work on liking myself. I think that I think so little of myself that I figure who would care to be my friend. I know that I do have many friends who love me, but it was different how I made those friends. It was easier for some reason when I lived in Vegas. I think that I was a whole different person when I lived there. I was more relaxed and Apex was a great place to meet people. We moved into friends when Justin and I moved out to Vegas. I think that helped me to feel like I fit in better. It still took me a long time to feel like I was a friend to everyone. I guess it's all a comfort zone thing for me. Thanks for listening to me just go on and on. I feel better.

changing churches

Justin and I are thinking about changing churches. Justin hasn't really liked our church since we started going there. It is the church I grew up going to and I feel comfortable at. I love our pastor he does a great job, but I feel like he is rushed and the focus is not on teaching us. We start out our service every week with about 20 minutes of announcements. Our pastor pretty much announces every thing that is in the bulletin for the week. I feel like we then try to squeeze a few worship songs in the choir sings and someone sings a special not always very well and then finally after 50 minutes the pastor starts his message. Our service is usually an hour and 20 minutes. The pastor doesn't like to go past noon so he will rush to get finish and leave things out. I just don't feel like I have been to a worship service once I leave. Are only problem is that the churches that we like are 40-45 minutes away from us. We are actually thinking of taking a break from church and just doing something as a family. I hate church politics and I feel like I know everything here and I would rather go to a church that I didn't know what was going on in the background. I want to be free from all connections to things and just enjoy a service.

I loved going to Apex when I worked for CRCC because it was nice to go and not know what was going to happen and just enjoy what was happening. I guess what I am really saying is I want a church that I can get lost in. I would like to get involved in a bible study with women my age. There are a couple at our church but they are closed off and invitation only. You hear about them through the grapevine, but that is all. There is just nothing for Justin and I and we could start something, but everyone is so busy that they don't know if they could come.

It's been hard with Justin's job because things keep changing. We wanted to start a house church but the timing keeps getting messed up. That could also be satan trying to keep us down. There are times when I would love to just start a church of my own right here in our home, but I don't know if we could do it. We have lost touch with so many people I don't know where we would begin.

I guess you could say we are still looking and searching. I haven't let my self settle here or say I will be here forever because I don't know. I feel like God has so many other plans for us. I am scared and excited and lost and confused all at the same time. I guess we just really need to refocus our life and see what God really wants for us.

No vacation for me

Well the kids and I got back from Florida last night. It was great to see my sister, but the kids were sick with the flu the whole time we were there. Abbie had a cold before we left that went into the flu and then Kaleb got it. On top of that the weather was not really good. It was in the 60's and cloudy most of the time. It was better than being here in Ohio, but I wish that it would have been normal Florida weather. Abbie pretty much drove me crazy whining all the time. Thankfully she is finally doing much better. Kaleb is still trying to get better but he isn't as bad as Abbie. I wish that it could have been more of a vacation, but I am happy that I went.

Where my sister lives reminded me a lot of Vegas, minus the trees. It reminds me of the older places with a lot of older homes that look a little run down, but then lots of grocery stores and stucco buildings. I would probably live in Florida if it didn't get so humid in the summer. Well I have to go and finish all the laundry I have to do.

By the way what is going on with Apex?

Life

Congratulations to the Citizen's on the birth of their son. He has a very special birthday. I will always remember Jack's birthday since it is the same as mine.

Justin and I had a great time out together for my birthday. Abbie made my day special by singing Happy Birthday to me without help. She is such a sweet little girl. Kaleb just screams and runs around. Life is very good. I love my family and my wonderful friends. It was nice to get so many cards from my friends. I love being remembered even when I am not very good at always remembering them. I love you all.

Birthdays

Today is my 27th birthday. While that may not seem very old, and it's not, it's the first time in a long time that I am feeling my age. I have always been the younger friend. The one that everyone hates when it comes time for my birthday because they remember how much younger I am than them. It felt weird the other day when I realized that Justin and I have been together as a couple for 7 years now. It just seems like such a long time but it's not. I am happy about being 27, maybe now I will seem more mature. Oh wait, people already think that I am too mature for my age. Maybe that's my problem, mentally I have always been older than I am. My age is finally catching up to my mental state.

Ok so it's early in the morning and I am just rambling on about being 27. It's a good day. Justin and I are going to P.F. Chang's for dinner tonight and then we are going to just go and hangout at Joseph Beth bookstore without the kids. I'm excited to having an evening with my husband.

Winter in the mid west

Ah, it's cold and there is snow falling, what more could you ask for. Well I could think of several things... Sun, 70 degree temperatures, more sun. I am excited though my mom and the kids and I are going to visit my sister and her family in Florida in two weeks. I will get to go to the beach in February and get a little sun. We won't be there for long, but it will be nice to get a way from here.

Just when I start to get the least bit of feeling of what more could happen I read Tara's blog and thank the Lord for what I have. Tara I am so sorry for all that is happening to you. You guys must be doing something right that is causing Satan to attack you so. Your family is in my constant prayer. I wish I could be there to help you guys. I think that Damon and Kaleb would love to play with each other.

Well Justin and I have picked a night now is just time to pick a date to start our small group/house church. I am really looking forward to it. I just pray that it works out. I feel ready to do this again and to have people in my home all the time.

I think that my new favorite movie is You've Got Mail. I know it's been around for a while, but I love romantic comedies and this just makes me laugh and cry all the time. It's been on TV a lot lately and I love to watch it each time it is on. It warms my heart right up.

In the last week Kaleb has changed so much. He's gone from barely being able to reach door knobs to just about being able to turn the knob and open the door. I found him and Abbie behind the rocking chair in his room today with a box of Cheese Nip. Kaleb had a handful of them in his hand and he was just shoving them in as fast as he could. It was something that I would love to have taken a picture of but I didn't want them to think that it was alright.

I've been thinking about getting a license to sell real estate, but the schooling and money just make it seem too hard to do. I just think that I maybe afraid I don't know. I want to help people find homes or apartments or something like that. I want to be a relocation specialist. I just don't know how I am going to do that. I guess that if I am really interested I just need to go to one of the million places offering real estate seminars.

Well I have gone on and on and on. I guess it's time to go for now.

Stuff

Well it's just another day around the Clark household. The kids and I went to the mall today to just walk around. It was nice to get out of the house. We have decided to not get a second car for a while. We have managed along this far I guess it won't hurt us to go a little longer. We just don't have it in our budget. Sure we could put more on the credit card, but after our tax return that will be paid off. So we are just going to try to continue to not add anymore debt to what we already have. If we didn't have Justin's school loans life would be good. Maybe once we hear about when he is going to get promoted to his own store. With the raise that he gets we will be able to add a car payment. I did take him to work today and that worked out fine. So basically I just need to do that more often.

I feel good about everything. I feel like God is in control and we are doing our best. I hope to start something soon with some kind of Bible Study for women my age or a House Church thing. I think that now is the time and we are ready to really do it. Life is good.

SNOW

We have finally had a big snow. It started snowing at about noon today and around 6 it turned to sleet. Now it has stopped and there is a light sheen of ice on the 5 inches of snow. It looks very beautiful. Justin is on his way home from work early right now. I am praying that he makes it home safely. It could take him a couple hours, I hope not.

We didn't go to church today. They were going over the notes of the governing board and the things they have planned. I just didn't want to sit through a Sunday service about that. So we played hookie.

Keep Justin in your prayers. There are many things about his job that are up in the air. He's not going to lose it, but we are waiting to hear about a promotion or something.

Right now if all goes well we will be leaving here for our trip to Las Vegas on April 25. We are driving so we should get there by late on the 27 and then are leaving on May 3, I believe.

I am so thankful and blessed to have healthy kids. I have heard so much lately about children being sick that it makes me feel that much more thankful that my children are healthy.

God's in Control

I could be very depressed with how things are here right now, but I'm not. It's very odd how I feel right now. I feel like God has total control right now. I feel very much at peace right now.

Stuff

At church today someone other than our pastor gave the message. I really kind of felt like I was at a leadership seminar. He did a really good job and made everyone laugh a lot. It just felt like I should have been sitting at a business seminar with a bunch of other business people and not in a church sanctuary.

My most favorite thing that Kaleb does is when he gives me hugs. He'll be walking around the room and just come over and lay his head on my leg and give me a hug. Or if I'm standing in the kitchen he'll just come over and hug my leg. It is the best thing to get a hug from him. I love my children so very much. Even when they wake up at 3:00am and don't want to go back to bed(Abbie).

Justin maybe getting a promotion sooner than we thought. He doesn't want to get his hopes up, but he could be getting promoted to the GM position at the store just up the street from us. His boss told him that he needs to teach the other manager the scheduling and ordering because he(justin) could be leaving in as little as 2 weeks. This would be a great and wonderful answer to prayer. He would be working just 5 minutes from home instead of 40. It would be so nice to have him so much closer to home. Please keep him and us in your prayers.

Three Blind mice

Today Abbie showed me why we are here in Cincinnati. She was sitting at the piano at Justin's parents home with Kaleb and her Grandma. She was trying to play the piano the best she could and sing her best rendition of Three Blind Mice. It made me laugh at first to hear her, but then I thought how wonderful it was to see her with her Grandma just singing away. I love it when God answers a pray of mine through my children. He showed me that this could not happen if we weren't here. Abbie loves being with her Grandparents and I love that she can be with them. I always loved spending time with my grandma. She was my best friend until she passed away. I miss her still and it's been over 12 years now. I am so glad that Abbie gets to have the chance to be with her grandma the same way that I did.

missing relationships

I am missing something. I am missing a bible study, group discussion, community. Justin and I are struggling a little financially and I have found that it's part of not having a regular time with God. We have neglected our God and we are seeing the repercussions. Justin and I have always been very blessed and have always had what we needed. Now I think that we are trying to do it all on our own and not looking to God for help. I miss my house church and Apex and my community.

I haven't found where I belong here yet. I feel pulled in so many directions but don't know where to start. I want to be there for my friends and be a better example for them, but I also need something. My heart is aching and I need direction. I just don't know where to start here.

can't sleep

I can't sleep so I decided that I would get on the computer. There are just too many things going through my head right now. My daughter is asleep in our bed. She must have come in sometime during the night. I looked over to see her and she kicked me in the face. So I decided that was her telling me to get out of bed. So now I am here rambling on about nothing.

My sister and her kids are going back to Florida today. I wish she didn't have to. I love my sister and Abbie loves playing with her cousins. I wish they were here all the time. Jess wishes they could live here and be with family, but her husband wants to stay in Florida. I can't say that I blame him, but it's just easier to.

Well I would go on some more, but at the moment I can't put a complete thought together.

The ties that bind us

Life can be so strange. I was looking through some other blogs the other day. I just choose one off the blogger home page and it happend to be a guy in Aulstralia. He is a Christian and involved in House Church's there. I thought that was a little interesting. Then the other day I looked at a few of his links on his blog. One sent me to a lady in South Africa who is a Christian and looking for church other than big church. She wrote today about a blog she found of another guy in South Africa who does house churches. I went to his link which had several links too, one of which was Kevin Rains. I went to his sight and he is part of Vineyard Central here in Cincinnati. Then on his was a link to joe boyd. It just seemed so funny to me how one random blog choice could bring me all the way back around to Joe. I think that I may have just found 6 degress of Joe Boyd or something like that. Oh well, just thought you would like to know.

ps- it is soo cold here

My best friend Angie and her youngest daughter Autumn came over today. Abbie loved having someone around to play with. I loved having another adult around to talk to. Angie and I have been friends since we were kids living next door to each other. I love that our girls get to be friends now too. Angie's been through some of my tougher times with me and I have been there with her. I am glad that now we are able to spend some better times together. Her and her husband would benefit so much from a house church but I don't know if they would come. I keep trying to get something started but I am not doing a very good job.

Our church is going to do the Purpose Driven Life, which I am hoping will help with getting house church things started. As I was sitting in church on Sunday I realized how little there was for people my age to help us to continue to grow in our walk. We have Sunday school classes for up through high school and then nothing till your an older adult. I think that our pastor knows that there needs to be something but he's not sure where to start. He's encouraged Justin and I but I feel like I need some more help. Justin's too busy to help me also. I just don't know where to begin. There needs to be something to help us to grow. Otherwise there is no reason to go.

Well I would keep going, but I have a to get a crying child. I will finish this later.

rain rain go away

It has been raining pretty much non stop since early yesterday afternoon. It's a steady hard rain. There are flood warnings and watches. We have nothing to worry about except that the temps are going to go from the 50's down to the 20's. Hopefully it will end soon.

bonding

Who would have known that the best thing for me to see today was my husband playing with Veggie Tale Play-dough with my daughter. I love watching them bond together and enjoy their morning together making Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber characters. My dad, who I love very much, never really played too many games or things with me. It just makes me so happy when I see my wonderful Justin taking the time to sit an accomplish nothing but spending time with his 2 year old. Life is good.