being a parent

I used to dream of how things would be when I became a parent. It's funny when things happen they way I thought they would. When Abbie calls me back for just one more kiss and a hug before she goes to bed. When Kaleb's eyes light up as soon as he sees me and he raises his hands up for me to pick him up. I love it when Abbie just looks at me and says, "Mom I just love you." Then there are the strange things that you get excited about. Like after 4 months of potty training Abbie finally pooped on the potty. Who knew that your child pooping on the potty for the first time would be so exciting. There are so many things about being a parent I never thought would be so exciting.

I have been trying to fight off a sinus cold the last couple of days and I just can't get rid of it. I made the mistake of taking medicine that is non drowsy before going to be last night and I ended up only being able to sleep for about 3 hours and the sleep didn't happen until 3:30 in the morning. Hopefully I'll feel better soon.

friends

I am so bad at making and keeping friends. I keep trying to build relationships here, but I am just no good at it. I am afraid of phones so that doesn't help. I hate talking to people on the phone. There are only certain people that I call on the phone. My mom is one of them and my best friend Angie that I grew up with. I even have a hard time calling my sister who lives in Florida. I want so much to build new friendships and grow closer to people but I am almost afraid to. Something stops me from really trying to make a friendship work. I did go out with a friend of mine last night. I keep in touch with her through email and that helps. We had a lot of fun just hanging out and talking. She's getting ready to have her first child in April so we shared a lot about babies and things like that. I want to be a better friend to her, but I just don't know how. I think a lot of it has to do with my fear of rejection. I have always been the quiet girl and the fat girl and I just do my best to not be noticed. I don't like to do things that bring attention to me. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I try so very hard, but when I am alone it is very hard to be good about what I eat. I really don't know why I am blogging about all of this. I guess I just needed to get it out. I really need to do something good for myself. I need to start a daily bible study and work on liking myself. I think that I think so little of myself that I figure who would care to be my friend. I know that I do have many friends who love me, but it was different how I made those friends. It was easier for some reason when I lived in Vegas. I think that I was a whole different person when I lived there. I was more relaxed and Apex was a great place to meet people. We moved into friends when Justin and I moved out to Vegas. I think that helped me to feel like I fit in better. It still took me a long time to feel like I was a friend to everyone. I guess it's all a comfort zone thing for me. Thanks for listening to me just go on and on. I feel better.

changing churches

Justin and I are thinking about changing churches. Justin hasn't really liked our church since we started going there. It is the church I grew up going to and I feel comfortable at. I love our pastor he does a great job, but I feel like he is rushed and the focus is not on teaching us. We start out our service every week with about 20 minutes of announcements. Our pastor pretty much announces every thing that is in the bulletin for the week. I feel like we then try to squeeze a few worship songs in the choir sings and someone sings a special not always very well and then finally after 50 minutes the pastor starts his message. Our service is usually an hour and 20 minutes. The pastor doesn't like to go past noon so he will rush to get finish and leave things out. I just don't feel like I have been to a worship service once I leave. Are only problem is that the churches that we like are 40-45 minutes away from us. We are actually thinking of taking a break from church and just doing something as a family. I hate church politics and I feel like I know everything here and I would rather go to a church that I didn't know what was going on in the background. I want to be free from all connections to things and just enjoy a service.

I loved going to Apex when I worked for CRCC because it was nice to go and not know what was going to happen and just enjoy what was happening. I guess what I am really saying is I want a church that I can get lost in. I would like to get involved in a bible study with women my age. There are a couple at our church but they are closed off and invitation only. You hear about them through the grapevine, but that is all. There is just nothing for Justin and I and we could start something, but everyone is so busy that they don't know if they could come.

It's been hard with Justin's job because things keep changing. We wanted to start a house church but the timing keeps getting messed up. That could also be satan trying to keep us down. There are times when I would love to just start a church of my own right here in our home, but I don't know if we could do it. We have lost touch with so many people I don't know where we would begin.

I guess you could say we are still looking and searching. I haven't let my self settle here or say I will be here forever because I don't know. I feel like God has so many other plans for us. I am scared and excited and lost and confused all at the same time. I guess we just really need to refocus our life and see what God really wants for us.

No vacation for me

Well the kids and I got back from Florida last night. It was great to see my sister, but the kids were sick with the flu the whole time we were there. Abbie had a cold before we left that went into the flu and then Kaleb got it. On top of that the weather was not really good. It was in the 60's and cloudy most of the time. It was better than being here in Ohio, but I wish that it would have been normal Florida weather. Abbie pretty much drove me crazy whining all the time. Thankfully she is finally doing much better. Kaleb is still trying to get better but he isn't as bad as Abbie. I wish that it could have been more of a vacation, but I am happy that I went.

Where my sister lives reminded me a lot of Vegas, minus the trees. It reminds me of the older places with a lot of older homes that look a little run down, but then lots of grocery stores and stucco buildings. I would probably live in Florida if it didn't get so humid in the summer. Well I have to go and finish all the laundry I have to do.

By the way what is going on with Apex?

Life

Congratulations to the Citizen's on the birth of their son. He has a very special birthday. I will always remember Jack's birthday since it is the same as mine.

Justin and I had a great time out together for my birthday. Abbie made my day special by singing Happy Birthday to me without help. She is such a sweet little girl. Kaleb just screams and runs around. Life is very good. I love my family and my wonderful friends. It was nice to get so many cards from my friends. I love being remembered even when I am not very good at always remembering them. I love you all.

Birthdays

Today is my 27th birthday. While that may not seem very old, and it's not, it's the first time in a long time that I am feeling my age. I have always been the younger friend. The one that everyone hates when it comes time for my birthday because they remember how much younger I am than them. It felt weird the other day when I realized that Justin and I have been together as a couple for 7 years now. It just seems like such a long time but it's not. I am happy about being 27, maybe now I will seem more mature. Oh wait, people already think that I am too mature for my age. Maybe that's my problem, mentally I have always been older than I am. My age is finally catching up to my mental state.

Ok so it's early in the morning and I am just rambling on about being 27. It's a good day. Justin and I are going to P.F. Chang's for dinner tonight and then we are going to just go and hangout at Joseph Beth bookstore without the kids. I'm excited to having an evening with my husband.